Dance

 

The sky weeps in tandem with my tears,

Falling down to the cement road

That looks like it’s being pulled from underneath me

As I run. 

My mind won’t silence, 

And the cacophony of thoughts, 

Festering, poisonous ones, 

Is driving me so insane that I’m tempted to clutch my head

And scream. 

My legs trip over the steps leading to my house,

Eyes so unfocused and unpresent

That I don’t even realize I’m home

Until the smell of home-made curry hits my nose. 

I breathe. 

Tears stop their constant flow

And slow down to a mere trickle 

As they adjust to the warmth 

That causes my glasses to fog. 

The voices in mind soften 

Just by a fraction, 

Almost as if they’re waiting for something else 

To fuel their cruel egging on. 

My legs righten 

And I eventually find my footing,

Some unconscious part of my mind 

Signaling that I’m safe. 

I breathe. 

I pass the kitchen,

Stove beckoning me to drown my miseries

Yet again in food, 

But the thoughts have begun to mutate again, 

And I can’t handle it. 

Unbeknownst to myself, 

My feet lead me to my room, 

Hands immediately on the door knob, 

Closing it

And closing everyone

Out. 

I breathe. 

I turn my music on, 

Not the kind that only makes me cry more

Or the kind that makes me want to party, 

But the kind that gets my feet automatically tapping 

And my hands automatically moving in position

And my body automatically flowing in a series of 

Fast beats.

I breathe. 

Familiarity works well with me

And my muscles know the taalam to this Shiva song

Just as well as it knows the beat of my heart. 

The utmost focus required from my brain 

To follow every single beat with a matching step

Is too much for my brain to focus on anything else. 

Tear tracks dry out 

And my once puffy eyes are now tracking my hands, 

Channeling my overflow of sorrowness into the anger this song embodies. 

The voices turn off completely 

As the beat of my heart and the count of the music 

Is all I can hear, 

The huffing of my breath coming from exercise and not panic. 

My legs don’t falter here, 

Ever, 

As they lunge and squat and kneel and move forward and move backward

With the sound of the salangai clinging with each movement,

All in perfect harmony.

I breathe. 

Here, in my room, 

Wearing my bindi 

And dancing to a song that channels the rage of a god, 

I breathe. 

Here, surrounded by such meaningful, powerful words,

Expressing emotions

In a safe, healthy way, 

I breathe. 

Here, with beats chasing each other, 

Registering in my head as counts

And bringing my mind to the moment, 

I breathe. 

Here, feeling in control, 

Feeling talented, 

And feeling successful, 

I breathe.